They’re saying women aren’t going to vote for me. Boy are they in for a surprise on election day. I’m going to win, win big, and women will be voting for me, because they secretly love me. And I love them, at least the good looking ones. They love me because I’m big, a big television star, a big businessman. I have big buildings, a big plane, big bucks. And I have a big locker room, if you know what I mean. The women love my locker room. They all want to get into my locker room. Big ideas, big hands, big hair, big . . . G’night.
They’re streaming across the border. By the thousands. Murderers, rapists and illegal voters. They’re trying to throw the election to Crooked Hillary. They all know she can’t win without illegal votes. It’s all rigged. Just like the debates. But I’m going to win. Because the people love me, they love me. And those holier-than-thou Republicans who want you to think they’ve never been in a locker room before, they can scream and whine all they want, because I’m in this to the finish, and I’m going to win. They cross me, they’re going to lose, lose big. Trust me. And on my first day in office, I’m going to throw Hillary in a jail cell and throw away the key. And her husband will be free to chase all the skirts he wants. He’s far worse than me, far worse. You ought to hear him in a locker room. Disgusting. G’night.
Wheel and deal, that’s what it takes. Everybody’s all tut tut, he didn’t pay any taxes for all those years. I paid plenty of taxes, plenty. Maybe not those taxes, but plenty of taxes. It’s the system. You got to wheel and deal the system. My book says it all — The Art of the Deal. Maybe I’ll do a sequel — The Art of the Wheel. That broad Leona Helmsley said it: “Only the little people pay taxes.” Tough broad. Ugly, but tough. And I say only losers pay taxes. You got to wheel and deal. That’s what I’ll do when I’m President. Wheel and deal and make America great again. And none of us will pay taxes. Except the losers. Mexicans and Muslims, if any of them are still here. And Crooked Hillary, boy will she pay. G’night.
I ran the Miss Universe contest. Talk about experience in world affairs. Herding bimbos is a lot harder than dealing with attachés and ambassadors. That’s work for someone like a Secretary of State — who is a secretary after all, just a step above housekeeper. Running Miss Universe, that’s diplomacy. I can see me and Putin in the same room when Miss Fraulein Germany swoops by. We exchange knowing glances. If we had exchanged knowing glances back when SALT talks were going on, well, the world would be a much better place today. I’m really the only person who can do foreign policy. I ran Miss Universe. I visited almost every nation, if you know what I mean. Except Argentina. Yes I called her Miss Piggy; it was just a pet name. Doesn’t anyone understand sarcasm or irony or whatever? G’night.
The debate — rigged, rigged, rigged. They sabotaged my microphones. Democrats. They were all over the place. Crooked Hillary and Barnacle Bill (if you catch my drift). CNN,the New York Times, USA Today, even some of my own advisers. (I’m like Julius Caesar surrounded by a bunch of Et Tu Brutuses.) I won that debate, even with all the rigging. I demolished Crooked Hillary. And now my own people want to have Fat Boy Chris Christie coach me. It’s OK. Fat guys are cool; fat guys are fun. Fat women, ugh. But I love them, even if they’re fat. And I love Mexicans and Muslims and Argentinian bimbos and colored people and LGBTs and LSMFTs and everybody. I love everybody. They want me to be a big tent, how’s that for big tent? My tent is sooo big. G’night.
Tax returns! What’s the BFD about tax returns? I’m telling you, no one cares. They’re boring. Just a bunch of numbers in there. Mind candy for accountants and other loser types. I never look at them. No idea what’s in there. Doesn’t matter because I’m sooo incredibly rich. And I give millions and millions to charity. The Washington Post tells lies. So does Harry Reid. He’s a liar and a loser, and he’s got a weird eye. Would you like it if I said I wanted to see your tax returns? I think not. G’night.
I’m your commander in chief guy. I’ve been commander in chief of Trump Industries for a long time. I tell thousands and thousands of people what to do. And on the very, very first day of my administration I’m going to gather up all my generals and tell them I want a plan for eliminating all terrorism on my desk by noon. Every single terrorist. I’d have gotten Bin Laden before Obama did if I’d been President, before Obama was even president. Before 9/11. Before W. was president. What a wuss. I’d have gotten Bin Laden when he was a little kid. I’d have gotten Bin Laden’s mother before he was even born. I’m a Commander in Chief. G’night.
Everyone got all hot and bothered about what I said to my second amendment guys. Don’t they get it? It’s like that old game. Donald says second amendment guys, stand up and be heard. Donald says second amendment guys, we don’t want any more liberals on the Supreme Court. Donald says second amendment guys, get out and vote. Second amendment guys, get Crooked Hillary right between her beady eyes. Gotcha. I didn’t say ‘Donald says’ that time. It doesn’t count unless I say ‘Donald says.’ It’s sarcasm. G’night.
President Obama is the worst president in the history of the United States — in the history of the world. The absolute worst. And he’s not even American. Many people say he was born in Kenya — I don’t know, but many people say it. He does look Kenyan. Wore a bone in his nose until he was five, when he snuck into Hawaii. We shoulda had a wall. I love the guy, but the worst president ever. Has a good-looking wife, though. Writes a nice speech. And the daughters — well, they’re no Ivanka. There’s a hot daughter. I’d date her myself, if I weren’t her father. I’ll bet Obama wouldn’t date his daughters. Worst ever. G’night.
On the very, very first day of my administration I’m going to appoint a Secretary of Deportation, a deportation czar. And by noon, ten million illegals will be on their way back. I love them, but they’re gone. It’s going to be humane, because I’m a humane guy. But they’re history. And that Mexican judge in Indiana. Gone. Back to Mexico. That Muslim that waved his Constitution at me. Probably wasn’t the Constitution anyway. Probably the Koran. Back to Muslimland. Obama, back to Kenya. Crooked Hillary, back to the moon or wherever the hell she’s from. G’night.