Today is of course election day in the United States. And all good little boys and girls will march dutifully to their polling place — some with enthusiasm, some grudgingly, and all happy that the fear1longest campaign in history is finally over.

November 8 is the latest day on which a presidential election can be held. This will be the seventh presidential election to fall on the 8th. The previous six elected Andrew Johnson in 1864, Grover Cleveland in 1892, Theodore Roosevelt in 1904, Franklin Roosevelt in 1932, John F. Kennedy in 1960, and George H. W. Bush in 1988.  And now, (fill in the blank) in 2016. Scary, isn’t is?

Before 1845, there were no single designated election dates.

With dueling charges of lying, cheating, stealing and bad manners, this has been the nastiest campaign ever. Or has it? Herewith a sample list of insults and derisions of presidents past:

(George Washington) A sordid, ambitious, vain, arrogant, and vindictive knave. — General Charles Lee

Thomas Jefferson’s slaves loved him so much they called him by a special name: Dad. — Mark Russell

(James Madison) is but a withered little apple-john. — Washington Irving

(Andrew Jackson) A barbarian who could not write a sentence of grammar and hardly could spell his own name. — John Quincy Adams

(Martin) Van Buren struts and staggers like a crow in the gutter. He is laced up in corsets . . . it would be difficult to say whether he was a man or a woman. — Davy Crockett

(Theodore Roosevelt ) An old maid with testosterone poisoning. — Patricia O’Tolle

Calvin Coolidge didn’t say much, and when he did, he didn’t say much. — Will Rogers

General (Dwight) Eisenhower has dedicated himself so many times he must feel like the cornerstone of a public building. — Adlai Stevenson

(John F. Kennedy) The enviably attractive nephew who sings an Irish ballad for the company and then winsomely disappears before the table clearing and dishwashing begins. — Lyndon B. Johnson

(Richard Nixon) I worship the quicksand he walks on. — Art Buchwald

(Gerald Ford) He looks like the guy in a science fiction movie who is the first to see the Creature. — David Frye

Ronald Reagan is the first president to be accompanied by a Silly Statement Repair team. — Mark Russell

Bill Clinton is most comfortable when thinking about little things — school uniforms, the minimum wage, and above all, himself. — George Will

(George W.) Bush gave an interview and said people will vote for him because “They’ve seen me weep, they’ve seen me laugh, and they’ve seen me hug.” These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo. — Bill Maher

Inspiration for 11/8/16




One thought on “November 8, 2016: I Thought It Would Never End

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