In Stockholm, Sweden, the newspaper Expressen gave five stock analysts and a chimpanzee the equivalent of $1,250 each to make as much money as they could on the stock market in one month.

Mats Jonnerhag, publisher of the newsletter Bourse Insight, turned in a nice performance. His stock portfolio gained $130. Not good enough. The stock-picking chimp (who went by the name Ola) saw the value of his portfolio climb by $190 for an easy victory.

While the stock experts carefully assembled their portfolios using a variety of analytical tools, Ola put aside such things as price/earnings ratios, volatility measures and technical factors in favor of darts, which he tossed at the Stockholm Stock Exchange listings.

Naysayers will no doubt bring up the infinite monkey theorem: that an infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of typewriters and an infinite amount of time could eventually write the works of Shakespeare. Or the lesser quoted corollary that seven monkeys with seven typewriters in seven weeks could write the Republican Party Platform.

In a reported real-life attempt to prove either of these theories, two chimpanzees and an orangutan were put in a room with three typewriters. By the end of just 24 hours, they had written “jid;lwer fivcjfdoske flfjwlsjfpos p3mzds[sk,43l;cv kdid,ewodkdjss;djelldsd kdjhdps ddodlsps psvvspap39djk3^jh& jfioermcjd,ud3$m kidelqqwerty” Even more amazing: They had used exactly 140 characters which they tweeted (using the orangutan’s twitter account). It went viral.

Bedtime for Donald

I love Hispanics. I do. I love Pancho Villa, Jose Jimenez and Chiquita Banana I love them all. I love tacos, too. Mooey Grande. At great sacrifice to myself, I employ donald-trumpthousands and thousands and thousands of Hispanics. And I pay them Yankee dollars — thousands and thousands of Yankee dollars.  And they love me. Yes they do. They call me their Don Juan. You gotta love them. Unfortunately, they’re all murderers and rapists. We gotta build that wall. Fifteen, twenty feet high. Brick, with barbed wire swirls on top. Stretch all the way from Houston to San Diego, then north up to Seattle. Lose all those Northwestern pot-smoking liberals and those California LGBTQs. I love them. I love them all. But they’re out. Mexico will pay for the wall. I can deal with the Mexicans, and believe me they’ll pay. They’re all murderers and rapists. Except Chiquita Banana. G’night.

Inspirational Quote for 9/3/16



3 thoughts on “September 3, 1993: Infinite Monkeys

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