When the Republican presidential field hit sixteen (now seventeen), six (seven) of whom won’t be allowed by Fox to debate with the grownups on August 6, it created a Eureka! moment. It struck some folks as unfair that all sixteen (now seventeen) couldn’t clamber onto that stage to hurl their verbal grenades at each other. It would be like saying Hampton University shouldn’t be allowed to take part in the NCAA basketball tournament. And there’s the Eureka! moment: NCAA Tounament. Sweet sixteen. March Madness. It’s a brilliant concept — a one-on-one elimination tournament among the sweet sixteen Republican presidential wannabes. Yes, Jim (Who?) Gilmore came along and tried to mess it all up by becoming number 17. We’re going to ignore him. He’s zero in the polls, and if Fox can shut out all but ten candidates, surely we can shut out one.
The sixteen candidates vary in viability from powerhouses such as Jeb Bush (Kentucky) to Cinderella candidates such as George Pataki (Belmont University). They will be seeded by a highly secret power ranking that includes polls, historical data, Ouija boards and the personal whims of the ranking organization (that’s me).
Let the seeding begin. Several candidates are fighting for the coveted number 16 position. It’s practically a toss-up between Carly Fiorina, George Pataki and Lindsey Graham (for those who may be understandably unsure of who these people are, they are a former head of Hewlett Packard, a former governor of New York and a current senator from South Carolina). Tossing the coin, it’s Pataki at 16, Graham at 15, and Fiorina at 14. (Bear in mind that Jim (Who?) Gilmore could catch fire and knock off any one of these three.)
We’re putting Ted Cruz in at number 13 (yes, we know he’s in the top ten in polling, but there’s a very good chance that his head will explode before any debate takes place.
Ben Carson comes in at number 12. Does anyone seriously believe Republicans will nominate an African American? Does the word token apply here? Remember Herman Cain? This is the Republican facade of diversity. Diversity for the Republicans is a bald white guy who doesn’t wear a toupee. Which brings us to Bobby Jindal at number 11 and Marco Rubio at number 10. Count on the Donald to tell us where they were really born.
We’re putting the two Ricks at numbers 8 and 9. They really don’t deserve to be seeded this high, but it’s as low as we could go and still have them face each other in the opening round. Two Ricks is a Rick too many, and the sooner we yank one the better.
John Kasich takes the number 7 spot. There’s really no reason, except that he’s not a Rick. Mike Huckabee is at number 6. However, if he keeps making Holocaust remarks,we’ll drop him like an extremist potato. Chris Christie is at no. 5 He threatened to close down every bridge on the East Coast the if he wasn’t in the top five.
Rand Paul is third runner up, number 4 seed. Scott Walker is second runner up, the number 3 seed — and the number 2 seed, the first runner up, the person who must step up to the plate if Mr. America can’t fulfill his duties, is Jeb Bush.
Yes, the Donald is the top seed, Yes, he could crash and burn at any second, but we love having him as Leader of the Pack, and we’ll keep him there for as long as we can.